//cowardice.//

so many nights , i find myself staring right blank on the ceiling above . seemingly then, the familiarity of limbo comes crashing down on me , and i wiped a tear off my cheeks. i turned , and i saw his back. Such closeness , but yet the distance lie between us tonight. I know, like me , he is awake , lost , and helpless, and no longer able to find words that can calm my seas.

it's words of self disgust tonight. for the first time, i have come to the realisation , that i havent been as controlled and calculated as i thought i am. So many times , i pride myself in making the best of decisions , weighing it on my mum and him. they were the resolute and reason of my life.

and yet, a mistake made of my folly, of my lack of deliberation , becomes a weight on their shoulders. i am tired of being a disappointment , tired of knowing that they are more 'family' to me than i have been to them , for each and every single time i faltered.

i cuddled close to the wall. i peered down the bed beneath , to see streaks of stray light on the floor, and dark looming shadows above.

i am entrapped .
no where to go , no where to hide .

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