BWEH.

it has been sucha loonnnnggg time since i fell so sick.

the head's spinning. i am groggy as can be now. then i have been sleeping since yesterday afternoon , have been downing myself with water and meds too.

But it just doesnt seem to get better .

it just feels as if someone's pulling my eyeballs in, into the socket, all the time.

Then i think i am getting a little delirious in my sleep too . mum woke me up cos apparently i was talking and breaking in cold sweat in my sleep.


:(

the whore, the traveller and their voyeurs.

-trainspotting-

"At one point you got it. then you lose it. forever. All walks of life.... everything is just a blip in the trajectory "




OKAYE. THIS IS QUITE PUERILE, I MUST SAY.

but i think i like boys in skinnies. tall skinnyboys in skinnies. ..(c:

stop domestic violence today.

+++++++++++++++++++++

please... hear what i am not saying...

okaye. so it's going to be a busy weekend.

today.
i will be home for a requiem of the dream, then when i am free i will go with alfie for some trainspotting, and we will sit by the bench to look at the clockwork orange. I reckon it's going to be evening that i will get to use my blender for some pulp fiction.


tomorrow.
photography shoot. or either that i will throw the weighing scale out of the window and enjoy the unbearable lightness of being. After which, i will wobble some flab and do the dance dance dance with haruki murakami.



i am a geeko.

i want to go on a camera, books, films and men with hairy belly binge.

that's what i call 7th heaven. Oragasm of the soul and body.


mmmm.

- a hundred cents smile -

- draw the line -


Making love with someone and sleeping with someone are 2 separate passions, not merely different, but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation ( a desire that extends to an infinite no of men/women, but in the desire for shared sleep ( a desire limited to one man/woman).


how quaint.

food for thought.

Is l-o-v-e just a euphemised term, a make-belief, that an individual chooses to believe in to uphold his/her own morality and justify his/her selfishness to feel good emotionally and physiologically?

Does an individual still need l-o-v-e for her sustenance in the long run, if she has the capability to accept and care for herself fully in essence, and embrace her flaws and self esteem and thus make herself happy? ( i.e the wellbeing of her self esteem now is not fully dependant on others acceptance of her and she believes that no one can love her better than herself.)

Can the whole idea of l-o-v-e just be a notion in ideology and poetry to aggrandize our primitive need to procreate and meet our physiological needs.

if the individual has set criterions to be happy ,which are self sustaining in nature and off tangent from the social norms, can she still co exist in a social setting known as community.


why is there a inherent need for someone to care for our wellbeing, when we are capable of it all and thus should take charge for ourselves? are we just a bunch of lazy bums or are we really just a child at heart, who's so accustomed to being cared for ?

will such socio-emotional independance and solitude rid empathy and the ability to care for others?



can i just be the way i am?
can i just need no one at all?


i think i think too much .

oh. today i paid someone 25 to do a tarot reading for me and i watched notes on a scandal with lionel too.

a lot of random thoughts today. hmm.

++++++++++++++++++
Because i think, i seek,
Because i seek, i envisage.
My dreams that will be of reality.

gong xi huat choy!

++++++++++++++++++

WOOTS. happy chinese new year, peeps!

okaye.

Things to do :

1. register for my basic theory next week.

2. save up for the newyork -bestie '0607 adventure.

4. save up for photography expedtion in cambodia with lionel.

5. research on foreign unis.

6. to watch before sunset,before sunrise and alfie.

7. finish my catch-22, start with the clockwork orange, then my haruki murakamis.

8. be a better person!

:D

so it's a another evening out with elthevin.
we questioned the notion of perceptual bias of social norms.
we dissected the insecurities of an extrovert who is really just an introvert at heart.
we doubted the reciprocality of friendships.
i pondered on the entrapment of my being with my very own reclusiveness.
he mulled on his superficiality and individuality .

When all things seem so grey, when everything is just another perceptual bias of another person, when ideas are just variances of individual thought processes, do what others think still matter?

When societal norms are really just self fulfilling prophecies and notions an individual chooses to believe in, what are the real truths and lies that we are living by?

And how and why do we form that basis of belief in a society?

How and why do we not question the infinite possibilites ?

How and why do we let a society that's as messed up as today shape and mould the individual that we become.

Why do we let them bound and chain our minds.


Will it be suffice for the mental and emotional development , if a person just lives by the world , that he has painstakingly crafted for himself? where he chooses how to live and not live with his choices?


With that i can only conclude there's only so much reclusiveness an individual can subject himself to. After a while, you will only ensnare yourself in your webs of thoughts and they will consume you bit by bit, so much so that it throws you into this vortex of fear and confusion. The more you fear, the less you see of the world and yourself.


mmm.i am happy again.
Reason? It's today on that i know I will live to choose, to create my own choices and not, choose to live with the choices.
Be a victim of anything, but circumstance.


It's all but a slumber that i have slept too long in.
Now , it's the time to live. again.

updated.
[time : 7.58pm]
[mood : tired.]

okaye. it's totally random! but i am totally mad about kueh lapis now. i can just eat kueh lapis forever.
i want to grow a lapis cake tree right in my backyard.
i think i want to use lapis cake as my facial mask. no. it can also be my sanitary pad. then it can also be my trusty nip. tape if there's closet dysfunct. wait. then when i am hungry, i can just it yank out it from anycorner of my body to eat it. wah. okaye this is crazy.


oh well. had a relapse in the office.

but am feeling better now.

I HATE IT WHEN THE PAINS ARE BACK.

FUCK. YOU KNOW WHAT.

CHOKE ME ALL YOU WANT.

in prayers, i bow to seek the truth in your light.

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