retrospect .

it's me sitting here alone, yet again, with the laptop screen staring (mocking?) right back at me. i tried concocting some drinks , with all that i could find. gin,cordial, vodka,malibu, baileys some juice and milk. Obviously, mixing a drink or two for myself wasnt exactly the best way to kill all that dissenting emotions and boredom in me. i am still sober, or least i think i still am.

maybe , i was trying too hard to get that alcohol in my system, so i can sleep everything away, alittle easier . sleeping hasnt been easy on me lately. mom says i have been talking in my sleep.
was i dreaming? or was i trying to say what i couldnt and didnt say in the day?

i dont even know what is going on these days . i have got people telling me, i need to go easy. on myself, on my conscience, on everything that i want out of this life.
they tell me, life is good. i have got a good mom, and that life' s starting anew.

maybe,maybe. maybe, i have been trying too hard, fighting too hard to get back this state of normalcy ,for so long, that i even forgot what it was like. did i say,i dont want to go back to how it was.

i told lionel. lighting up 's like an antiseptic. it sedates,it offers assurance. it gives you peace. it kills what's hurting. it plasters your wounds.

can i just remind myself, that i dont need anybody.

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