e-exodus.

2009-03-10T15:36:00.000+08:00

HELLO.
I HAVE MOVED.

its on messenger,facebook,and everywhere!

2009-03-08T23:29:00.003+08:00

//bimb-0-meter.//

when overworked varsity students are busy finishing themselves off one after another,
i am taking a somewhat more pleasurable/(smarter?) route to kill myself.

all that over-binging has paid off.
i am tipping the scale at 42kg.

thanks and goodbye.
but i will still be enjoying my high calorie, high carb, high sugar diet.

2009-03-07T11:07:00.003+08:00

i will suppose , it 's only at weddings, that i feel alittle more girly and go all giggly. i guess that's how girls feel when their lovers surprise them hello kitty fluff?

2009-03-02T16:04:00.002+08:00

//too much of nothing.//

i wonder when and how it started.
of how i became haphazard and apathetic towards everything , including myself.
i no longer bother if i am eating my greens,if i am eating too much or too little, drinking too much or too little,sleeping too much or too little.

simply, i stop having limits.

then the people in school say i am in my own world three quarter of the time.the only irony is in this other world i cant seem to locate myself too.

and all i can hear is 'it doesnt matter anymore.'

2009-02-23T00:25:00.002+08:00

it's hard to say when.
but there's this part of me within, that stopped breathing, and living some time back.

it burnt out.

and it so remains as it is, standing there, dissolving and forgotten with time.

2009-02-18T01:45:00.007+08:00

implicity,our relationship is quite morbid.

sharing a common interests to gun down zombies aside, he's always victimising himself and telling on me to my parents , which often renders me the irresponsible gf/daughter deserving of a verbal spanking. that said,I will also make that a mental note to accidentally step on him when he's sleeping or elbow his face in my sleep.

he unleashes his wrath with degenerative words like 'stupid' and 'big mouth', i will make sure i curse him with enough fucks on decibels his ears will go deaf.

when i refuse to acknowledge his presence and clearly see him next to nothingness, he takes on the car with a wreckless steering wheel.

it's clear we both have anger management issues but the thing is,on (somewhat)better days,knowing how anal i feel when alfie is infected with malware, he will fix it at the expense of a test the next day. despite me insisting that my pencil box was stolen when i actually misplaced it,he wanted to sponsor my new stationary supplies.

but what i realise most, is when he says nothing matters more to him but me and he has never complained doing anything and everything for me, it's really quite more than a love-hate relationship - he drives me so insanely and morbidly mad that i will laugh.

i love this man.

2009-02-14T00:04:00.008+08:00

-lee hua-

i am smug . i am cocky . i am a super showoff.

AND THAT'S ALL BECAUSE I HAVE GOT A BESTESTBEST BOYFRIEND. :D

first thing first.
it's a totally unexpected surprise picnic at botanical gardens since he planned everything from scratch, from the preparation of food to keeping and hiding the surprise.like how he will keep on insisting that i sleep in and can only shower in his momsie's room , while he sneaks to the supermarket ,baked,grill,cook in the kitchen.

and of course coincidentally meeting my dad there who chauffeured us back home after our picnic.

then it's the $6XX diamond please. LIKE OMG. seriously , i almost hyperventilated seeing the stone. like seriously hyperventilated. it's no mega stone, a 0.2 carat square cut. but still, the generosity and sincerity counts okaye. 3rd. and no fancy dinners, no giant cheesy bouquets or fluffs for wussies. no stupid " i-am-going-to-smother-you-to-death" couples in the cinemas. and guess what we did, we spent our day in a lan shop in selegie playing LIVE 4 DEAD. THIS IS WHAT I CALL HAVING A GOOD TIME.

i guess, its knowing how he is never good at saying the things you will love to hear all the time, or do things that makes yr heart flutter, that gets to you when he goes all out of the way to treat you like a lady.

lovelove!

2009-02-12T01:11:00.007+08:00

//of pseudo boyfiends, zombies , and quek the photowhore.//

haha!

2009-02-07T13:51:00.002+08:00

i weighed myself again this morning,and i am 40.5 kg. again. there's no way a weiging machine can lie to you for 5 days in a row right?
whatever it is, i feel light! haha!

i think of us alot lately.how it used to be, and how it is now.
its sad, though.
it could have been alot better.

2009-02-07T00:08:00.002+08:00

//of contemplations.//

out of the blue tonight, she asked him," were you ever this happy in your life?"

his hands on the wheel, eyes fixated on the road, and without batting a eyelid, replied ," no...why?"

and she said ,as a matter of factly, " i am afraid it will change, this state of happiness and of us, like one day, something bad will just happen, and take it all away..."

she has never gotten used to having something so good.it is alittle inconceivable and almost , unbelievable.yet often she finds herself thinking, perhaps, it due time , perhaps it's her go at having something worthwhile again.

and she knows, she can never destroy something this beautiful.

2009-02-01T12:26:00.002+08:00

i cant live like this.

i really cant.

stop saying you do , when you dont.

stop judging, stop pitying.

i need none of that.

i dealt with it long time ago.

and i dont need to deal with it. again.

2009-01-27T03:08:00.010+08:00

//of ashes and of dusts.//

i had quite the most atypical new year today.

Driving along the winding roads of Lim Chu Kang, dotted with earthened graves and forgotten tombs,my heart felt especially heavy. it isnt as if i havent been on this road years before,but today, it seems particularly quaint. i cant put to words reasons why, though try as i might , i somewhat sensed it stemming from my dad.

besides greying faster than before, my dad , always being particular about patriarchal traditions of chinese new year, did not seem the least excited.
he didnt sing along to the loud clanging songs of festivities ; atkin to a child's first new year.
he didnt bicker and fight with mum about hanging of the decoratives; atkin to that of his first home .

we followed silently behind his heavy footsteps till we reached my grandparents's urns.he looked at the those familiar faces,that are only but the dusts of time now , with such longing , that for the first time ,i realised what a lonely man , my dad really was.

it was then when i saw his tears uncontrollably,laced the face behind a man i always took for granted that my heart broke.

as i put my hands around him, and hold him for the first time in a long while that i realise ;
it didnt matter who my father was or what he ever and never did -
there's only just one in the world.

2009-01-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

//charmer or a clod.//

the aftertaste, the lingering wisps of yesteryears that swirls in the clouded head.

it's knowing what we will never be, that kills.

2009-01-21T00:01:00.005+08:00

// cock hair.//

when the whole world is watching the inauguration, i am having mine.

i am so much more. says:
my dress's left breast's print is bigger than my right breast's print
which makes me look like a one breast monster

liyin queky says, a pocket full of ginny joes. says:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

liyin queky says, a pocket full of ginny joes. says:
it makes me look fat
damn it
and with my cock hair?
i look like i need lipo
..

i am so much more. says:
WAH
SINCE WHEN YOU HAVE COCK HAIR
I ALSO WANNNNTTTT

p.s. for christ's sake, can people get any more stupid worshipping obama , like some mankind's saviour?

2009-01-20T22:02:00.008+08:00

//waiting.//

The scary part, the aftershock, the moment it takes to fall apart

The time we have, the task at hand, the love it takes to destroy a man

The ecstasy, the being free, the big black cloud over you and me

And after that, the upwards fall, and were we angels after all?

2009-01-14T12:19:00.006+08:00

//mopey.//

musik juices: night windows -the weakerthans.

i was still feeling a little lousy when i woke up at o845hr. i didnt feel the rush of

purposefulness of the mornings before. it didnt help that i went to sleep

angry and bitter the night before.

so i switched on alfie , still clinging on to the very last strands of hope in my mail,when my messenger window pops up a window.

2009-01-14T00:04:00.000+08:00

i am so much more.

i need so much more.

and a pity, you will never know.

2009-01-10T01:14:00.001+08:00

//new love.//

musik juices : emiliana torrini

2009-01-04T21:32:00.002+08:00

there is always this hype about the new year that catches on people, as quickly and almost fatalistic , as a flu bug, a renewal of hope that re-hinges to people almost only once a year.

For reasons, i really do not comprehend otherwise, i find myself cringing in the tacky make-belief joys and peace,especially so when nothing much about this world has changed year after year. We hope to drink,make merry and perhaps spending new year's day in entirety of a stranger's bedroom,calls to orgasm which unfortunately be the wake-up call to the reality -to the unchanged chaos in our ordered world.

the thing is,for one, days are still going to pass, with us going to fulfill our responsibilities at work,in school, in the home we are fortunately/unfortunately bound to. Nothing is going to change , except that perhaps new responsibilities that be conferred onto us,or old responsibilities taking a new turn in the spectrum of endless responsibilities.

that said, till the day , i find myself at the cross road of liberation, a chance to choose an outcome of the infinite possibilities, and be stripped of responsibilities , i do not cheers and toasts to the new year.

and did i say?

happy new year to all.

2008-12-29T10:59:00.002+08:00

it's my first go at illustration cs so i really had to keep it simple and stupid. but hell yeah, i spent the entire night trying to fix the computers in the house, getting acclimatized with the os and cs 4.

boo.

2008-12-27T22:25:00.004+08:00

here's the deal

my voracity in reading has left me neither here nor there.
Before i am done with Michael Ondaatje's English Patient, i went on to Orhan Pamuk's Black book , of which , i shuttled back and forth with Jeffrey Eugenides 's Middlesex.
Today,I am neither done for any.

But thank the lord, i took it upon myself to re read The Black Book this holiday and i am half way through, despite me poring over Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses now.

Lately,i also took a liking to the name 'Alfie' and thus christened my new mac.to be honest,i have been totally stumped by the os for the past 2 days , and i can only get started with my cs4 and illustration when i am done with upgrading of the ram.

My grades are out too. A /A/ B+/ B-/C.

my thoughts are too random for now, and it's no fun stringing them here.
goodbye!

p.s. merry christmas to gun,yy,elvin,yaozhongandwife and everyone else that matters enough.

2008-12-26T03:57:00.004+08:00

- festivities! -

i am back .
i spent my christmas sleeping across the 2 time zones in the plane but i am still pretty beaten up by the time lapses . so i found myself looking through the pictures we took .before i post any more of my shutterclicks, i thought i could do with these couple of them.
it's really quite a vacation this time round.

us at Mount Titlis, engelberg,switzerland.

2008-12-14T19:31:00.002+08:00

i havent had quite a weekend as such for a long time. for me, good weekends take on a more definitive role on the resting of my wellbeing. for one , i had early nights morning swims , dinners with friends and family.

But what differentiates this from other weekends is me returning to my good days of watching films, good ,thought-provacative films and not the hollywood trash in our cinemas.

i feel good when i feel good about myself.

on a side note , in less than 20 mins , i will have to get ready to go to the airport. we will be covering so many cities in germany,switzerland,uk,france, i lost count.

and to you.

know that , there's no one else i had rather be with at eiffel tower ,strolling along the banks of river seine in the cold winter nights.
<3.

2008-12-14T01:12:00.006+08:00

//before sunrise.//

-Delusion Angel

"Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face,
Drop a tear in my wineglass.

Look at those big eyes,
See what you mean to me.
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes-
I'm a delusion angel;
I'm a fantasy parade .
I want you to know what I think,
Don't want you to guess anymore.

You have no idea where I came from;
We have no idea where we're going.
Lodged in life,
Like branches in a river;
Flowing downstream;
Caught in the current;
I carry you, You'll carry me.
That's how it could be

Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?"

-david jewell
before sunrise. (95)

it's almost quaintly beautiful,seeing how i will be jetting off with bee to those familiar scenes in tonight.

2008-12-13T13:34:00.004+08:00

-erudite ignorance.-

i have a weakness for notebooks, sketch books, papers or any pages that i see myself penning words/pictures that no one else reads.

it's quite a perverse obsession , since upon buying them, i never will bring myself to put a writer's thoughts and pen to it for the fear of prying eyes. of course, needless to say, the shame of staining the white pages of a otherwise pristine state of an alterego we are after.

i cant help but to think of this affliction , as signs of a violatile ,restless spirit that wavers so frequently between contrasting worlds and words , that soon tires one out into the night.

in every story, in every sentence , the writer attempts to celebrate his/her cloying parade of honeyed reminisces that are , really just , empty words. we want to make things that happened as if they never did, and things that didnt happen look as if they did - and it's there , we run endlessly in our circles , trying to make sense of who we were, what we are and what holds in the future.

as much as i hate to admit, this love for reading, writing feels like a poison ,feeding the realisations of an empty self in the empty world.

2008-12-04T23:47:00.005+08:00

//sanity mispronounced.//

the thing is, for once , after such a long time that we both find ourselves abled enough to put aside our work, we were left screaming at each other outside cineleisure. amidst the harsh, accusatory words that dotted along orchard road, with curious passerby's eyes, i was really quite stuck in only those words that you said. " no choice ", "a dead road " and the last " I love you."

Though i must say , you are probably the only lover that i had that will scream " i love you." with such anger , that it left me speechless,wounded and lost in this rebuttal.

i was drowned for awhile , in scenes of ex lovers and tragic finishes, and i almost wished for a revolver to shoot myself, for finding myself, yet again, a flawed lover that i distastefully placed on my pedestal. the train ride home felt like eternity , especially when we find ourselves entrapped with strangers dying to end their day by partaking in our silence ,enjoying our occasional exchanges of even angrier words.

i caught myself asking the questions i didnt ask before.
if i was ready to give this all up ? ( i was always ready to flee and turn my back on lovers that failed to deliver the promise of a future that we could be happy in. )
if i can , once again , give you the benefit of doubt , to attribute your misplaced words as you never being able to find the right words to express your love.
if you were the one for me , after all?

i am not quite sure where i am , where i will be in this road with you.
but i find myself giving you the benefit of doubt,yet again.

love, sure has its means of innocuously of pulling a veil over your eyes so you can believe your loved ones more than you should in yourself.

perhaps, the one time that you believed in yourself then, is when you decide to entrust your heart and soul to the one you love.

But despite all, what's crazier is having us spent $390 on our bomber jackets for our european minimoon ( zara men and topshop.)

2008-12-02T14:11:00.002+08:00

it's like a faulty cassette player, replaying what should have been erased , in an empty room and a barren heart.

2008-11-26T23:30:00.006+08:00

jay chou - 退后 - jay chou

it has been a long time since i last listened to any mandarin pop.
but somewhat the rhetorical beauty of the lyrics just took my breath away.

2008-11-19T15:56:00.005+08:00

Photo-A-Day

everywhere,anywhere,nowhere.
18 November 2008
Nikon D80,50mm Prime
Eloera Jesusa Woon

爱与等待.

2008-11-18T06:01:00.002+08:00

// all the pretty faces.//

1. mom got her a macbook for xmas. it's a 'she' and e has christened her 'pandora'.
2. e ought a new lens . Prime 50mm F1.8D .
3. e will eat breathe and sleep adobe cs 4 and illustrator cs 4 this holiday .
4. e bought a new fedora for her vacation .

+++

and in the dripping lights of dawn, as e watch him weave dreams beyond her reach, she cant help but gently kiss his forehead and thank god above.

for it is must be an angel to fill her so brimful of love, that she is beautiful and whole again.

love.

2008-11-17T23:44:00.002+08:00

Photo-A-Day
everywhere,anywhere,nowhere.
17 November 2008
Nikon D80,50mm Prime
Eloera Jesusa Woon

sterile metal dreams.

my first shot on my prime.
no pp,cept for b&w transition on mymeanmachineII.

2008-11-15T23:04:00.002+08:00

// my white pandora.//

i am a very happy woman.

:D

2008-11-12T19:04:00.003+08:00

//cowardice.//

so many nights , i find myself staring right blank on the ceiling above . seemingly then, the familiarity of limbo comes crashing down on me , and i wiped a tear off my cheeks. i turned , and i saw his back. Such closeness , but yet the distance lie between us tonight. I know, like me , he is awake , lost , and helpless, and no longer able to find words that can calm my seas.

it's words of self disgust tonight. for the first time, i have come to the realisation , that i havent been as controlled and calculated as i thought i am. So many times , i pride myself in making the best of decisions , weighing it on my mum and him. they were the resolute and reason of my life.

and yet, a mistake made of my folly, of my lack of deliberation , becomes a weight on their shoulders. i am tired of being a disappointment , tired of knowing that they are more 'family' to me than i have been to them , for each and every single time i faltered.

i cuddled close to the wall. i peered down the bed beneath , to see streaks of stray light on the floor, and dark looming shadows above.

i am entrapped .
no where to go , no where to hide .

2008-10-31T14:44:00.003+08:00

// a slap in the face.//

i just remembered that i was supposed to go walas with terrence,desmond and eugene last night. unfortunately, the plan did not materialise, all in the good lord's name of project deadlines.

With this semester coming to an end soon, it's easy to see how easy it is for a man to grapple and lose his reins on his integrity and morals in compromising times. so many times, i find myself in situations where it's so much easier to lose sight of what education is really about, of what being a friend , of being a person is about and just lose your scruples.

nonetheless the most valuable lesson learnt in this semester is knowing which friendships are worth keeping.

2008-10-29T01:32:00.001+08:00

//poppy says.//

"the thing about growing up is not making the right decisions but dealing with the decisions you made."

2008-10-26T22:45:00.002+08:00

//why,but it's yy. //

A friend in need is a friend in deed. I cant tell how long or how our friendship began. It must be of typical cuppas of latte in the afternoon. No, it cant be , since for as long as i remembered, our conversations always spanned across late nights, nasty drummers that made our girly hearts skipped,punk vs indie musik and growing up issues.

I cant always put a word to describe how dear this friendship means to me,since commitments are already demarcating us from everything else. though i reckon it must mean quite a bit if somewhere 3 years down the road, i have already decided that she has to be my maid of honor or bridesmaid ( with gun.) in my wedding.

so first and foremost, i congratulate on her anniversary with eugene. two , here's something for you when life's difficult.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

- Rudyard Kipling

2008-10-24T21:19:00.003+08:00

// a wolf's child .//

the thing is beneath my genial behaviour towards you, i look upon you as a child.
a child that i most unfortunately ,did not and will not bother with for most of the time.

i do not gawk in amazement how at such a age, you can still act like a child. spoilt, ill bred and rude. i can only pity your lack of social skills and the inept ability to see, that you, are just a child after all.

you do not see how hard it is for us to look upon your ill behaviour as that of frankness and be accepting , all in the kind name of a non existent friendship.

Why, is there anymore i can say when your life reeks of the bitterness and loneliness of a single wretched life. it's no wonder why no girl will take a fancy towards you, and i will not mention of all your futile romance endeavours.

it's seldom that i dedicate a post in my journal to someone as undeserving you.
let that be first and my last.

2008-10-23T00:07:00.005+08:00

// boy, i sold my soul.//

on a sidenote, i have been buying crazy amount of things ~~this month~~
every month. of which , them together with, love, keep me insanely almost happy.

to celebrate the month of october , i bought

2 dresses
1 oldnavy's polo mini dress.supermini.
1 f21 thermal
1 pair of oxford booties
1 fringed hobo
1 lame leggings
1 agnes b wallet.
1 agnes b card holder

i will comfort myself its for a good cause since we will be looking our best this winter in Paris.yes, i need to start saving up for all that shopping and everything else.

if you havent already guess,love and i will be flying off to europe for a holiday . though we are visiting the same countries i went last year ( germany,switzerland, britain and france), seasons' different for one, company's different too, and yes itinerary's hopefully different too .

it's also due time that mymeanmachine and his shutter work for me.

it's 7 weeks to the vacation but i can already hardly contain my excitement.

and somewhat i am always pretty amused by how mum always tells love " buy her a leash and she wont get lost anymore."

mmm.life looks good. :)

2008-10-20T22:08:00.004+08:00

//it's all but a dice roll.//

we will like to think we make informed and calculated decisions when we have to, but in the face of time, where no one can tell where things would go, how rational our decision then really is?

2008-10-19T22:12:00.006+08:00

// driving. //

the skeinbag, with her camera, was on the leather upholstery , and she, behind the wheel down the dusty road.

the evening sky was fading away behind her and she was looking for a place.

a place , he told her , he could be everything.

it has been a while .

but she had to tell him what she saw when she closed her eyes every night.
and if she finds him again, she will say -
here i am, hold my hand and lead me on.

oh my dreams, it's never quite as it seems...

2008-10-17T16:14:00.002+08:00

// a lie we all live in.//

listening : so beautiful -peter murray

it's so deceiving how my white plain walls of this space overwork the melancholic overtone of my days.

reality is such a beautiful deception that we weave to entrap ourselves in. this tapestry of false consciousness has such a way to pervade our thoughts and instinct ; to make us believe the things we want to and of those we assign to the oblivion. the definition of our own reality - of how it is, of what it is and of what it should be. Sui generis and we become the puppets estranged in a world we created.

that said, in my reality,have i been enslaved by my rationality and its lack thereof?

it's been a long time since i watched my films, my reads, my photography, and my museums.
it's a wonder how varsity education stupefies me so and the only time that induces any interllectual learning is the 2 hours of sociology tutorial.

2008-10-15T01:10:00.005+08:00

//of school and rittersports.//

today, i had a few boys telling me that they thought i looked good and i was a dress-er.

Love, was one of them.

i was slightly abashed by all their compliments, but somehow , none meant as much as Love's , none could have made my day the way Love did.

and it's all just a simple text message , after a brief meeting at lunch, that meant so much more.

"Baby... i dunno when you will be able to read this sms. but you looked very hot today. :)"

2008-10-10T11:06:00.005+08:00

// sanitary pads. //

i had a panic attack last night. i cant put to words why and how it was triggered. the whole world just stood still as it was,leaving me spun around his blurring room of fabricated and real obligations,deadlines, and issues. it felt as if the wall was drowning my voice for he just sat there staring into his screen, indifferent to how loud i was really screaming in the inside.

it was an inexplicable fear, fear of losing control of my own sentient being.my mouth was dry but i could distinctly hear the incessant droning of what i had to do, what i shouldnt have done, the consequences.

it almost felt like forever.
till somewhere somehow, i felt a strong grasp,a man's firm hold and hug.

"it's okaye, my parents are not going to think other wise of you.you havent misplaced their trust.they wont think you are stealing."

i left my sanitary pad wrapper on their bed that morning.

2008-10-08T18:02:00.009+08:00

// invitation.//

i am invited.
my best friend ,an old friend , an ex boyfriend is getting married.

how quaint -this rush of inexplicable sense of haste and age weighing down on me.

have time passed so quickly, that i overlooked the celebration of my very youth ? there are days that i looked back and i wondered why i didnt try a little harder on my relationship with my greying dad.i couldnt even remember why i even exhausted my days locked in my room of dark curtains ,forgotten angst and past romances, instead of hanging out with friends.

it was always me texting them,"no,not today."
till,our frienship,like me drifted into the oblivion.

the routinisation of such reclusiveness somehow makes me feel alittle inadequate,almost like an improperly socialised child belonging to nowhere but his own world. i had many relationships but none as lasting as i wished it was ,maybe because i didnt think it would be a worthwhile.

yet these days,my boyfriend and i have been talking about getting married when we are done with grad school and pursue our post grad together. i always thought i am prepared to do the things i ought to do and for once, be an average daughter,lover,and friend.

but now i just feel like a little girl wearing the shoes of a woman.

2008-10-02T23:08:00.005+08:00

// second time in the week.//

it's the second time in the week that i had multiple orgasms in the wholly 2 hrs i sat there. Not quite on the bed, but on the conveyor belt at Honjin's. it's about the only thing that keeps me sane admist everything else hateful, synomynous with sch.

Every bite sank into the sashimi,smeared gently with the soyu and wasabi warranted my birth into this disgusting world choked of pollution and projects. i mean it. i cant count how many sashimi plates we ( mum,sis,boy and me) had.i reckon, it's too tedious to multi-task while immersing in each every mini explosions in your mouth,beckoning the waitress every 5 mins, exclaiming with delight on every thing that we laid our hands on.

i am not quite exaggerating. i wished i had the pictures to justify.

For someone who's has been insane enough to eat japanese food almost twice every week( or often enough ), i am telling you the quality of unagi, in the context of buffet restaurants, supercedes most. it's chargrilled to almost perfection, i like the lingering taste of a slightly burnt taste ,mixed with the tangy sweet bbq sauce. mhmm.

i like the ebi tempuras too. i am not someone who likes tempuras very much. Since, the tempuras served in our restaurants, are always soggy, too cold, or simply, the batter's too much and salty. Tempuras arrived piping hot, crispy,and to my surprise, the ebi was still so soft and moist. batter was so light, i could have just gone on forever.

what's japanese buffet, without salmon nigiris. They are the best i ever popped into my mouth. i dont like the ones at sakae ,ichi ban's. salmon 's often a thinly measly sliced piece of meat drabbed over a ugly mountain of rice. Not to mention, the occasional sour taste that accopanied with it. over at honjin's , morsel sized nigiris with salmon slabs so big, that i cant see the rice.

i cant go on about how crispy the seaweed of all the temakis were, how the zaru sobas were the best and everything else that i had today.

twice in the week multple orgasing at the conveyor belt. who's getting jealous.

it's $54+++, for a weekday dinner. one -for one if you are a UOB card member.Not quite wallet friendly, i would say. But i would sell my chanel,guccis and everyn damn bag i have for it.

it's in tanjong pagar, at chow house first floor, opposite SIA building. HONJIN restaurant.

i reckon, i will be going sometime soon . and i am sure to bring my camera there, though i think i will be too caught up with stuffing in my face to take any pictures.

feeding me is expensive.
sorry.

2008-09-26T01:43:00.003+08:00

//things just aint going right.//

for now,

i hate writing business letters.

i hate the whole pretense and formality.

humility vs subservience. pui.

i do not know how to write when even the most subtle emotive is being penalised.

isnt writing all about setting your moods and message straight.

two.

i am going to ignore you.

i hate it when you snap especially when i did nothing wrong.

i hate it when you get impatient like an old man.

i dont fucking care if you read this.

three.

i hate cheats.

dead sellers.

projects.

tests.

readings.

four.

i am fat.

and this is my fucken good life.

2008-09-17T03:11:00.002+08:00

- timeless fallacy.-

listening :bereft -poff

it's tiring- to constantly explore these boundaries.
the exercise of reality on your consciousness can only be so true until you cross them,break them and be persecuted, for the very fallacy that you kept alive for so long.

2008-09-14T01:59:00.003+08:00

-watch them fly saturdays.-

just when i thought i had a little something to pique the interest of who and what is left in this void space, my cs 3 dies on me.

so the story goes.

like a fat pussy cat in the loft, i have long been domesticated and has evolved to nothing more than a bum. Any sport or any attempt to bring me out to the great outdoors is a torment to both me and the perpetrator of my comfort ( him). playing badminton with his parents at the club have left me sore and blistered. it doesnt take an idiot to know that badminton isnt my best talent and for a while, it did feel like the badminton paralympics.

and no, i am not complaining despite that deceiving overtone. i had fun, no doubt about it. in fact i forsee myself playing on a more regular basis.

anyway,we headed to linc's place in the afternoon.i slept while the boys went about their business in war hammer and sorts. steamboat was good ,company was good, dessert was good. journey way home wasnt. travelling home from the east is just insane.

truth be told, just now was the first time i was ever on a monkey bar.

anyway,it felt alittle sad leaving lincoln's place. i am never good at seeing friends fly off.

it is just depressing.

p.s. sorry , that i couldnt post pictures of the groupie.photobucket just reduced us to nothing but blurry pixelated squares.

p.s . i was thinking to myself just now .so what if flab reality checked in on those thighs? i would look into the mirror a thousand times and still think i am beautiful.

2008-09-10T12:07:00.002+08:00

i woke up feeling like his cupboard, his black table and the blue plastic bottle.

2008-09-09T23:49:00.002+08:00

-straitjacket-

it feels like i am living a double life or the sorts.

of what it should be and of what i want.

2008-09-05T14:37:00.006+08:00

-caretaker.-

it's more than a year now.i havent quite being able to put a word to 'us.' on somedays , when the dependency stint in me shadows above all rationale, i will like to say we are cohabiting together . somehow i like the idea of his immutable presence in his(my) room,with me,now, though , he really is in school.
undoubtedly,there are yet so many more days, where my soul would rebel against this routine,this restlessness for the seemingly greater triumphs of singlehood.

but they wouldnt last.

if love and couplehood doesnt rest on the weight of dependency ,then what does? we learnt and grew together,as a being in whole.those neverending pages and pages, of tears,joy,laughter and anger marked lessons, we wished we learnt earlier.

i cant remember when was the last time we did not speak for a single day, except for the times we were separated beyond the spatial distances and timezone differences. it was a test that we both didnt fare too badly. neither can we be angry with one another for more than a night,and so we learnt to demarcate our pride ,apologies and us, and nestled into the dawning of our new day.

it wasnt too long ago, that i barricaded and hardened myself to be someone incapable of love and let-downs.i toyed with feelings,both mine and others. i scorned at the modesty of other girls and mine in clubs. afterall, havent we been trampled and killed inside out? i wasnt alone,for he too, flleeted aimlessly in the mercurial wings of time, on distasteful romances and lost time.

with our hearts on this table, we gambled and we won,unrivalled.

today, the leather strap of my favourite bag broke ,and though it may just break again, but i know for a fact,he will always be there to bear the weight on my shoulders. it's his persistance in ~~mending a broken bag strap~~ in always trying to put a smile on my face,to put my soul to rest and be safe , and caring to the finest details of my life, that i know, he's one heart i can never bear to break.

he may be ordinary and of commonplace to you, but he is someone who has made me believed that i am , at last, deserving,of nothing but the best.

he is,everything, to me.

if he doesnt deserve to be the caretaker of my heart, who is?

2008-09-03T01:27:00.003+08:00

-a spoilt ,rotten douchebag.-

to be honest,

i am quite used to getting the things i want.
but these days,
tables have changed.

sometimes learning to take ' no' as an answer, i reckon , is atkin to finding a shortcut that never existed.

why we do see the imbecile's denial and relentless persistance in the mirror?

on a sidenote, 11 weeks to europe with hubs.

2008-08-27T01:38:00.012+08:00

\\ you and i.\\

i don't always say the nicest things to you and, i will say the most cruel things when i am hurt and angry.

but you will be there and never once have you walked away.

i am always flicking your nips,pulling stunts on you,scaring you,and making you watch horror flicks,but you will always be a good sport, bear all sufferance ,and love me still.

i am always a sabotage to both our diets and wallets , always finding excuses not to exercise and be indulgent.but you will always gladly be mysmellyfattybelly'omelly and be fat together.

i tell jokes , that only i , will laugh to it.but you will always try to give a weak 'omg.am-i-supposed-to-laugh-to-that' smile. and not box me.

i dont always remember to wake up with you for sch or have cereal breakfast,
but you will always remember to set the alarm for me to wake up and text me to have my breakfast.

i may not hold you to sleep at night, but just so you know,
i can never sleep- without you ,by my side.
uevoli.

2008-08-23T23:33:00.007+08:00

-the #1 wishlist.-

i dont come up with a wishlist very often.

since , everything else in my life is pretty quite dispensable.

you can live without anything and everything ( commodities. ) in the world.

.

.

.

.

but i think i reallyy really reallly really really x 1000000gazillionmazillion will like to have this phone.

nopes, i aint falling for all that 'apple' cult marketing gimmicks or senseless consumerism chase.

sighs.

i want a augustsantaclaus.

2008-08-22T15:31:00.005+08:00

//broken lips.//

with random clicks,

i found out that people whom i have known, to be coupled for the longest time, arent together anymore.

the lips went dry.

the heart raced with disconcertion and fear.

and that someone,whom i have always known to placate me in moments of doubt - isnt around.

i have grown reliant,insecure and selfish these days.

and i wonder, " have i really fallen in love?"

i wasnt like that.

2008-08-22T14:20:00.004+08:00

//really? really. //

this week has been a ride. for reasons which she will never have answers to.
those breaks between lessons,luncheons, and time wasted doing nothing and wondering,with nowhere to go, are spent ~~talking~~ to many people. Listening, to be exact.

it's like a long due intermission .a fresh breather ,from what has always been.

she realised, she learnt.
there was nothing more she could say.
afterall,

we had, and we were, nothing to begin with.

2008-08-21T16:57:00.003+08:00

// academia comatose. //

having to resort to using sleeping aids for the lethargy this body is going through, is just , futile and pitiful. i cant remember when was the last time, i remotely even had a good night sleep.i am wallowing in all the self pitying , i can ever indulge myself in.

there will always be enough and adequate causes of worries, errands, deadlines that renders sleeping impossible .Especially knowing my tendencies, to oversleep and skip sch, i just then , choose not to sleep,altogether.

coupling with all my sociology nonsense, of marx's, durkeim's and hobbes , i am suffering for indefinite cranial failure, and academia comatose. Sociology isnt something that's really hard to comprehend especially for the discerning observers of our time .it is just -tedious.

sch's alittle more bearable . renewed friendships and budding buddies.

sighs.
i hate myself for being the control freak that i am.
i cant wait to fly off to europe with theboy yearend.
i just need my sleep and my food.

thank you for always tucking me in, and holding me. hunniemoo.

2008-08-06T01:06:00.004+08:00

singapore flyer,
marina promenade,
5 August 2008,
nikon D80,
18-55mm,vivitar 70-210mm,

eloera jesusa woon.

he drowns in his dreams-
an exquisite extreme I know.
he’s as damned as he seems;
and more heaven than a heart could hold.

2008-08-04T05:01:00.001+08:00

i am hungry.
i cant sleep.
and i have a craving for mcgriddles.

:(

2008-08-04T03:40:00.002+08:00

//linger on.//

3.40am and there are no signs this body is going to surrender to the calls of the sheets and the dawning sky. the caffine rush from my overdose of tea , has never kept my thoughts clearer and more pronounced.i realise that, there's no need for much deliberation on reasons for the well deserved peace and calming fashion my days are taking. Of course,school is starting soon, and it's with a renewed anticipation of what lies ahead.

of which,i am glad to say
-new unspoken responsibilities and obligations are charged to us, in the new year ahead.happy anniversary,love.
-my cap score 's upped to a 3.87, renewing interests in the somewhat mundane varsity life of mine.
-with much certainty, europe trip with theboy at the end of the year is possible now.
-union camp, which i joined as a senior/councillor has injected much joy in the waning social life.
-that amazing one night, though very short, spent with yy,has bridged all the social distance work and time can do in a year.
-pounds, are lost but more fashion indulgences to be gained. being 42kg has brought more tragedy to the purse strings than before.
-new experimentation with toy cameras, expired films and film slides , means i can now be deluded in my colored reality of red flashes and light leaks.
-there's still much getting used to being thoroughly spoiled and loved by your parents and his.
-truth be told, i want exchange programs and grad school more than ever.to take flight, and ride on dreams woven on the hopes of my folks.

i am alittle tired.
but they will linger on.

2008-07-30T01:27:00.012+08:00

//words,dont just conversate.//

you stormed out of the room,holding that packet of chocolate. Moments later, i heard the crushing of the chocolate, and the tearing of the wrapper.
i couldn't quite believe my ears, neither could i make sense of that anger that rushed through.
i only heard myself muttering.
" those chocolates.they are for my mum. i kept them for so long."

and before i know it, we were screaming at each other.
maybe, because you were too caught up in your games that you didnt hear why i didnt want to keep the chocolates in the fridge.
maybe, all i needed was to know that you heard all the times i felt as if i was talking to myself.
perhaps, i just needed to know i wasn't alone in the room,though you were only sitting,there.

i saw your sudden realisation of what your anger has done.you saw me hastily changing ,looking for the keys.you only know how much the chocs meant,even though they are, just chocs, that went out of your window.
you only know, when you realise how much i wanted to look for it.

i wasnt quite ready to speak to you.all the thoughts that raced through my brain. i was quite sure i was going to implode.
that cacophony of disappointment,anger,harsh words, and reasons.
reasons that i need to know why you are acting the way you are.disconnecting the wires, breaking discs.
reasons why i shouldnt act the way you do.
reasons why there's still us.

sure,you have your ways of saying 'sorry.'
but really, actions do not always speak louder than words.
especially when it's all but alittle too late.

i have to confess. i cried alittle.
But that's only because i need to believe in us.
the need to believe in me.
the need to believe in having to stand up and not resign to how things are. like how things were.

i looked at you and i know.

words, dont just conversate.

2008-07-19T03:04:00.003+08:00

lomo crash roll 1 ,
botanical gardens,his den,
15th jul 08,
eloera jesusa woon, chan yin theng,
Holga CFN 12o.

happy birthday to me.
:D

2008-07-16T23:59:00.004+08:00

//homolomo.//

s-p-e-a-k the new language . please .

homo-lomo.

the 2 of us pretty much went on a impulse-berserk the other day.
walked into the lomography section of page one.
flipped thru the pages of those pictorials.
raved about lomos and holgas when we pretty much know nuts about these toy cameras.

and there goes.
we hopped on the train to rubys' at penisula and got ourselves our first holgas 120 cfn .

and 2 days later.
with lotsa random late nights experimentations and misadventures,
we just sent our first roll for processing.
we call it the crash-roll.
it's really quite alot of fun without the shitcrazy costs of the learning curve.
so much for all that digitalised convenience.

it's all about us and never before, have the days been this good. :)

2008-07-15T09:13:00.001+08:00

// monotony and peace. //

photo taken by : boy.

post processed :e.

2008-07-04T03:39:00.002+08:00

just when is your perception of reality a delusion you live in?

2008-07-02T00:50:00.003+08:00

\\ impregnated with food.\\

more often that not, what constitutes a good day primarily depends on the food i eat, i.e whether the particular food craving for that day is met, the ability of that craving to satisfy ( quality vs quantity.), how much of the entire food cravings are met and all of the above amongst my other needs of my online retail therapy.

today's a absolu-fucking-ly good day minus the angry standoff between the water choker ( me) and the one who got choked on water ( him ).

i had.

1) brunch craving :
for me :
a bowl of mushroom straganoff at soup spoon. ( 2.5 stomachs / 5 ). we unanimously agreed that it didnt taste as good as before, and there's this plasticky mushroom aftertaste. eck.

for him:
broccoli and crab bisque ( 2.5 stomachs /5) the combination is just wrong.
uegh.

4 and a half hours later....

2) dinner/late supper craving.
for me/us:
salmon belly soup
salmon sashimi salad
cold soba

for him:
cold soba.
sashimi platter

at sushi tei. he was feeling mighty generous and so, a feast we had.

for that it's 5 stomachs/5.

it's good . it's good.
but i am hungry . again.

2008-06-26T16:03:00.003+08:00

//if holidays are any good, it has to be...//

if holidays are any good, it has to be me

1.sleeping and waking up in the middle of night to cut my nails, to pee, to dig my ears.
2.waking up at 11am
3. watching 2 seasons of sex and the city in one sitting.
4.cooking and eating myself the giant salad bowl of cold soba.
5.dota and more dota.
6. finding my misplaced ds stylus ( an unfortunate accident while cooking crab pancakes for him.)
7.shitting and blogging in the toliet.

:)

2008-06-22T01:45:00.005+08:00

//are you in or am i out?//

it's always about fighting the reins of unfettered realism and that eluding illusory of the most ideal situations.

be it of what you expect of yourself and people around, and the actual delivering of your promises,your responsibilities and their actions.

be it the endless wondering of the infinitie what-ifs that keeps you up late in the night, that leaves you circling in the endless cycles of self reminders of contentment and the actual possibility of the betterment of a future and self.

you find your words drowned and choked.
you realise yyour actions are restrained and futile.

it's the midnight tug of war. such a compromising situation to be in; especially when it's all just an artful deceit of your mind.

we , are all running in circles afterall.

sketches of the mind.

2008-06-08T03:26:00.002+08:00

//what the snow plows leave behind,is grey and leaden.//

one day,
maybe it's when this voice drains,
that she will be heard.

they will understand.again. you and i.

2008-06-03T22:46:00.003+08:00

the lack of updates only speaks of the utter mundaneness in the days we know as holidays.

Alright, holidays arent that bad when you get to wake up at insane hours ,like 1030am , which to me ,is extremely ungodly and unbecoming, considering how i have always being a morning person.

Digressing, i went on the hendersons waves and elevated walk spanning across telok blangah hill and mount faber with hubs and his folks on sunday morning.the whole 8 km hike up and down the terrain has just rendered my thighs to nothingness.

i havent been in the best of health and mom says hubs keeps me insanely happy and cared for. of which, i cant agree more.think - renovations,dusts,weather,skin inflamations,broken,chapped,unsightly skin rashes,scratch-police,and a sexy malenurse .i will indulge in my self pity till further notice.boo.

despite all, i am happy. No reasons to be otherwise when travel plans with the boy as such -krabi, taipei with gun and eug, then europe at the end of the year and satisfactory performance in sch!it sure sounds totally exciting on the purse strings.

then i will be away to KL for 3 days, starting from thursday. short trips are better than none!

increasingly, i have also recognised and have aligned myself with the physiobiological needs/responsibilities of an 23 year old.it has to be the growing out of callow,meaningless(self-deprecating?) clubbing,and the recognition of past whims and fancies of impulsive thought processes and actions coupled with the merciless ,unstoppable physical disintegration of fine facial youth. ( i can almost hear my sigh of resignation.)

such a drag.really. at this juncture, i have really lost my train of thoughts and coherence. ~~i am hungry~~ but i have no appetite. say hello to size 4 soon.

2008-06-02T03:01:00.004+08:00

i was looking through myworks, and i found this. somehow i like the deliberate tilt of the horizon and how this spatial delusion negates the whole feel of melancholy to reality. it almost looked unreal.

anyway , i am reading middlesex by jeffrey eugenides now. good read.

2008-05-24T13:51:00.002+08:00

Bangkok Cityscape and People.
Bangkok,Thailand,
14th May - 20th May 08,
Nikon D80,18-55mm,18-135mm,50mm f1.8,vivitar 70mm-210mm,
Eloera Jesusa Woon.

2008-05-13T23:37:00.002+08:00

-let's bang-your-cocks!-

yay.
i am like going to bang-your-cock in 4hrs time.
with theboy and my good 0' ma and dad and aunt and friend.
so it's going to be huge loads of triggeruphoria and lots of shopping,eating,massaging.

and. it's the first time i am on a holiday with hubs in the land of saswasdees.
and we are going to KL in june too.
and we just opened a joint bank account for our travel plans too.
is this good or what.

shoot me now. and i will still die a happy girl.
choi!

saaaaaaaassssssssssss waaaaaaaaaa deeeeeeeeeee! i waannnnttt baaaannnnnggg-yoooouuur--cccooock.

2008-05-11T22:44:00.005+08:00

punctuate.

i wish i could do more to articulate this myriad disentanglement of emptiness and doubt instead of the usual archetypal mode of expression- blogging.
it isn't so much of moments where you can just shrug it off ,banishing it to the back of your mind with a casual " it's one of those days.." or assigning it to the problems of womanhood.

the post exams periods- the lull moments of the pursuit of knowledge gone senseless,driven by academical competitiveness, economic and social prerequisites.
i am ,really am immersing ,recuperating from 14 hr work days to 0 hr work days.

it takes a fool ( which many of us are?) to realise that the things you need most in life are the simplest of the sorts despite the countless rejects due to character inferiority ,of which applies to countless things and people.

i spent the last couple of days with the family , a weak and inadequate compensation for my absence and my responsibilities during the school term.
there are so many obligations,numerous enough to have me feel inadequate.

i am obliged to my sister,married, and moved .
i am obliged to my mum, selfless and aging.
i am obliged to my dad, guileless and kind.

i am obliged to my boy.he, who placates the ghosts of my nights.

and to these very few special people that i truely respect as worthy friends.( gun,yy,elthevin,dillon)

they are all that i could ever need , and perhaps, ever have.
yet guilty memories line this shadow that treads on paths.

2008-05-03T14:09:00.002+08:00

-schmokes , schmokes.-

so it was an almost splendid two papers.
used up 2 answer booklets for the modules,and no, none of that i will attribute to schmoking.
it's quality work, i will tell you.with my adept humble writing capabilities and huge fonts, it wasnt too difficult a task.
and all that past year papers, and notes, i reckon i wouldnt do too badly.

BUT, like all rosy ,sweet and pink fairytales, there comes a crux, a nasty evil character that is bound to ruin it all - a geography paper with 4 questions, a heroic pen that endured two booklets and only two and 1/3 questions.
i didnt finish the paper.
i am disappointed, though i think it would be an understatement,considering the gargantuan amount of readings and effort i put in for this mod.

it's no easy feat acing an arts module, but a mediocre pass will not be suffice too.

i am left with 2 papers to turn the situation around.
and i am still disappointed.

2008-04-30T10:08:00.000+08:00

after a while,
.
.
.
.
you just give up.
trying.

2008-04-28T14:34:00.002+08:00

-smallings-.

i slept at 0500hr, hearing the first morning train roar through the million dollar themepark that i was building in UK.

i woke up at 0900,and it sure didnt feel like i slept, since i was pretty sure i was only closing my eyes and pretending to sleep,afriad that he will wake up to find me still on my azareal.

it's funny hearing someone call your name in his sleep when you are awake.
intuitively, you will turn to respond to only see him eyes shut tight,sleeping.
you feel like a fool, as foolish as he is ,in love with you.

he wakes me up, only to find me stirring and mumbling ,in an futile attempt to catch that last 5 minutes of sleep into the new day.

breakfast was simple, a slice of cake and my rainbow kueh. i dislike all that orthodontic treatments.it renders my appetite to nothing,a measly intake of nothing.
i like indulgence.
i like junkfood.

i found ants in the basin eating up my toothpaste yet again.
i dont like ants.
they remind me just how small and stupid i really am.

oh, and my exam's tomorrow .

2008-04-06T04:59:00.002+08:00

-life's good.-

say hello to 'Azarel'. my new nds lite. white. pretty.

and it's amazing what Azarel does. doubles up as a pda, a complete media player that renders hayden (myipod) obsolete. and did i mention? it goes online too!

exams are round the corner and i am mugging.

i will be leaving for the land of saswadees in 38 days time.
cant wait,cant wait!

8 months on, and we have never been a moment apart.
they say ,"it' s crazy."
but there's really no where i had rather be,love.
i am missing you,love,
though you may be lying right next to me.

2008-03-15T03:28:00.002+08:00

//guilty as charged.//

i realised i havent been treating you as good as i should have been.
do know that you are more than deserving of all that i can and will give.

2008-03-14T04:05:00.002+08:00

//just a little of this , just a little of that.//

the lack of updates only mean a couple of things.
i am too busy being a overworked wretch or i am too busy being happy.
of which, by now, you can reckon from the tone of this that it really isnt the latter.

i have been churning out reports,after reports, meeting deadlines after deadlines.
you almost seem convinced that i am rather hardworking,for that matter.
but in fact,
i have been busy levelling up in cabal,buying stuffs online,sleeping late,wakingup late, and practically doing nothing at all.

and having being a bummer for so long, it just pains me so much to just resume my regular varsity life.

anyway i reallyreallyreally ( x gazillion times) want to go to therockfest or mosiac. have yet to check on their lineups but i mean how if thefirefight is performing.

to be honest, school could have been alot worse if theboy wasn't around to make me laugh monsterlaughs for most of the days. :)

2008-03-08T23:46:00.003+08:00

//look who's not here.//

i find it always easier to appear offline on messenger and simply just pick up a book to read.
but somehow the screen will always be blaring, retaliating,right in the corner of my eyes, protesting aloud my denial of the dwindling strands of connectivity left to my social life.

it has been too long, and i do not like to conversate awkwardness nor silence.
but believe me, i do want to hear your story , a story of just you, not a impersonation, not a side that i havent heard of, nor seen of.
that story will breathe the remnants of what i remembered of you, and maybe then, i will tell you, a story of me too.

these books are like old friends.they never probe, but share the same woes beneath the tireless smiles and their dog eared pages.

i lose myself easier in my reads.
i listen to the silence of the night and the faint stirs of train engines elsewhere.
but i will hear noone.

2008-03-07T00:37:00.006+08:00

// of nice girls and karma woes.//

it's getting unbecoming and i attribute this apathy and total repugnance, obduration,(whatever you call it that 's synonymous with being evil,gloating,bitchy-ness) to the deprivation of time and capacity to uphold my esteem ,self respect and perhaps to the cancerian's natural territorial instinct.

i scorn and i undervalue your stupidity , your childlike guileless behaviour, your unfortunate domestic misfortunes, your inapt to write,think and speak coherently.

i gloat. i gloat for everything that i have and you dont, and that with a twist of destiny, that was taken from you and given to me. i gloat for everything that i am and you are not.

i despise all the similarities and shadows of who i was, that i see in you.

i am sickened by the very thought of me wasting so much of my time reading your little misfortunes and insecurities.

i am spiteful and hateful and you are nice.

but believe me when i say,
you can lose anything and everything ,
but your mind and self respect.

and that's what i lost. self-respect.

of what's left .

2008-03-06T00:04:00.002+08:00

//burn those paper boats.//

just what was i thinking.
just what was i seeing.

when all i ever needed was right before my eyes.

2008-02-28T01:14:00.004+08:00

-riddity uppity go-

hubs moved.
and it's goodbye to bedok ria for 4 yrs.
no more running down the stairs.
no more peeping from stairwells.
no more big white,clean dry toliets with huge lofty towels.

but i am not missing it yet.

especially when his new room is done up this nicely. just the way we like it. mod,swank, and totally romantic. it feels as if i am perpetually looking down from a hot air balloon. spell panoramic, please.

sometimes i feel i am writing as if i am speaking. like now. totally incoherent and errant.

i am tired,but i cant sleep. havent stopped sleeping and eating since i picked my dad up from the airport which was 3 days ago.

i weighed myself the other day and i was 42.and i ate 2 kg of food. within 5 hrs.i am quite horrified. but praise the lord, 42's still the magik no.

it sounds crazy.but we just spent 178 hours together.

sometimes , i dont know how i can live with myself much, less you,
how i always forget to bring my ezlink that you have to keep it for me,
how i can never trim my nails neatly and nicely the way other girls do,
how i can never remember to switch off the lights and heaters, or where i keep my things,
how i hate drying my hair before i sleep and every time i shower,
how i am always dropping or breaking something of yours,
how i always end up powdering the room and floor,
how my hair looks 'tnt ignited' even just after a short nap,
how i snore,
how i always like to touch anything and everything we see when we are on the streets,
how i adherently deny everything and anything,

how i am YOUR walking disaster,

but despite all, you still find it within yourself to love me the way you do, and even more.
thank you, love.
happy monniversary. :)

2008-02-21T00:45:00.016+08:00

//the phone ring.//

there are days when you come across a person, a imagery, a song , and you slip into this whole moment of a temporal pausal mode. everything then, stopped.

time stopped.
the people stopped walking.
they stopped breathing.
the hurried footsteps in the library stopped shuffling.
silence has become deafening.

it is just then you, and only you and what you knew/remembered.

you walked around,recollected the pieces,and you were lost -like before.
you saw. you heard.again.
you witnessed the murder of a anti self, and the rebirth of a new self.

the throat feels dry. still.
the palm 's wet. still.

the phone rang.
and it's that familiar voice .

you know you are back ;
safe - in today,this day of the present.

++++++++++++++++++
unfortunately( fortunately?), blogging,together with all forms of vicesthat is capable of offering me any form of sedation, is now on hold. undoubtedly,this leaves me with more time for my priorities -work commitments. I havent got much to disgruntle about,but it's with age, that you realise,what makes wearied days more purposeful, is having your loved ones to go home to. mom,dad,theng, sis,the channikins.

having said, i reckoned i just i had the best valentines'.
it isnt so much of the $400 agnes b wallet,but rather, the realisation of our efforts and resolute to acknowledge and value of what we have come to be, and who we may be.

2008-02-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

watching 'the notebook' just made me cry.

a toast to mywussie's night.

2008-02-07T02:33:00.001+08:00

lunar new year at 0000hr,

7 February 2008
Nikon D80,
70-210mm vivitar.
eloera jesusa woon.

it's my first photography shoot out with mymeanmachine II,nikon d80.
i am not too pleased with the photos. soft focus,and handshakes. i have yet to accustom myself with the new weight of the equipment, coupling with the long hiatus in photography,and insufficient experiences with night photography.
i have to say, this series is a flop.
maybe i am expecting too much out of myself and my d80.
so much for paying a grand for themeanmachine II, when maybe i just aint ready for a d80.":(

uninspired and disappointed.
and i miss thebf badly.

2008-02-05T20:56:00.000+08:00

Photo Of The Day.

Dive away with me;
you can take me to the sky ...

photo details : ir photography.
location : eiffel tower,paris.
equipment : nikon d50, 70-210mm vivitar.

0135hr .

it's like smelling the wisps of familiarity when you turn the dog earred pages of a book, that you o once picked up,pored,and read.

The death of his regressive self drowning in the excesses of alchohol,cigs must have began that afternoon, 8 mths ago, when he packed his suitcase and left without a word,in pursuit of his solace,of dreams,of a life here that he didn't bear living any longer.

he left us here,quiet and heavy hearted,irrelative,at the train platforms - like the dusts of his time that's to be forgotten. we grieved for the demise of a 'us'.

but tonight, i hear his hopes, of positivism,of a new lease. a 'him' that was never once heard of.

though he has moved on with a new story for his protagonist with the untimely deaths of characters,i am happy today, that i am still here, with him.

i can almost ,feel this friend, here.
what he has said tonight reinstated my lost dreams.

thank you, my friend.
to our midnight schmokes below the blocks ,and to our 11 years.

2008-02-04T22:21:00.001+08:00

// it's us between the silence,the nights and the days ahead.//

be safe,love.

2008-02-04T19:09:00.001+08:00

中华人民共和国,
,15th dec 07,
Nikon d50,18-55mm,70-210mm vivitar,
eloera jesusa woon.

happy chinese lunar new year.

2008-02-02T02:50:00.000+08:00

it's 0251hr and i just got back from sheesha at haji lane with the groupie. (quek,trish,shao,andrew and bf.)

the food wasnt fantastic ,but the company and sheesha somewhat made up for ig.

i am tired, and i forsee i am going to have a long day tomorrow with the baking.

so pardon with the somewhat incoherent updates.

1.bf and i just had our 6thmonniversary last week.Not that it's too big a deal for those who have been in long term relationships less the coping of all that emotional humdrums and personal issues of ex boyfriends and the likes.

Been said, i think i value what i have at this very moment. to be able to hear his breathing synchronise with the silence of the black mass, and yet not feel a single tinge of uncertainty and fear of what's us tomorrow.

2. sch's well. At the very least, i end each day, with accomplishing what i set out to do.
Then again,sch gets better with the groupie everyday.

3.i am selling mymeanmachine(d50) to finance mymeanmachineII (d80).Of course, i cant thank thebf enough for contributing a sizeable sum to the "seize the d80
fund". till now, offers are still coming in , and i am helping elthevin bestie to get his equipment too. so that' quite a big responsibility i have on my shoulders. One's a bestfriend, another is mypassion. I take it upon myself to render the best outcome for both.

i think i am truely happy now. for once.

good night. and thank you all, who helped me made it here.

2008-01-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

//insulated in the deeper hues of grey.//

listening -dont know why by norah jones.

It's almost tragic, how we can never differentiate the truths from falsities, of what's really happening.It's even more tragic how i will always be insulated from this whole existentialism and realism with just paper knowledge .Without an opportunity to experience before my very eyes, less the deliberate and fancy,construction of stories of lives,and of people, i may just be better off being the inanimate pawn of a chessgame.

Life is alittle too comfortable when one only learns about life by sinking into a couch ,reading, on a friday night.

Here i am in the company of third world countries,aid agencies and appeal aids.

(For starters, I am one who buys tissue packs from bus terminal aunties for $10,if that's is enough to convince you that i am quite nice after all,inspite of what i am about to say.)

It's bold ,but i cant help but to believe that the many preconceived notions about passivity,vulnerability of these societies are perhaps,just fancy products and sentimentalisation of aid agencies to garner international support and aids.

Do not be mistaken.

I am but anywhere near ,in doubt of their actual sufferance.(Think adverts and images, of overcrowded refugee camps,the young and old , hands outstretched for food.)Surely,this cant be the actual representation of the majority in the situation.

Perhaps, i just wish the portrayal of the messages behind these campaigns were less exploitative , picturing a more realistic view of the majority in such societies,where they will be characterised by,strength,by hopeful rigour, planning and working hard for their survival in the highly unequal world.

Of course, it's almost predictable that if images of such ,were to change, it will only conflict with our preconceived notions of their sufferances(and the geopolitical,self motivated aims of governments and agencies?).Consequentially,this will affect the impetus for many to help.But that's only because,these notions have already been deeply ingrained in our conciousness.

If the situation was otherwise, if we have known alittle better,less of the exaggerated sufferance from the start,and more of the actual happenings, i believe, these societies will still be able to deservingly receive their aids and the world be a better place,with alittle less dramatising.

Pardon me ,when it's this inexplicable heavy heart, exhaling the words tonight.
++++++++++++++++++++

the most artful thing in the world is acting naturally.

2008-01-24T01:17:00.000+08:00

//flint of life.///

this spark may be stricken;
but breathing is hope.

for all lightness of dawn,darkness of dusk;

we are- breathing for you.

be strong.

2008-01-16T00:23:00.000+08:00

//this vehicle for the different kind of imagining.//

I am - still here, poring over my readings,after a 16 hour day in sch.

Perhaps, it's always easier to expound thesis after thesis, journals after journals, of subjects of your whims,of arts, of lingual interests,of imaginative geographies,of colored histories.

Perhaps it WILL always be easier for me to simply sit through these readings on rainy noons and nights, instead of drowning in my statistical depressions with math and admit to my lack of logic for the works of commerce and banking.

I always think, that my place lies in the faculty of arts not Sch of design and environment but truth holds, we all need the money.

On a lighter note,the modules that i am taking this sem arent too bad,considering how my lessons fits nicely in an alternate 3 day/4 day week. For now, i am enjoying sch.
mods:

1.Place,environment and society -GEK1101
2,General Biology -LSM1301
3.Urban Land Use and Development- RE1803
4.Fundamentals of Real Estate Finance- RE1804
5.Real Estate Managment -Re1805

and i lost 2kg during the holidays. 43 is THE magic no. now.
and its 2 weeks to the sixthmonniversary,still,it sure feels like honeymoon.

good night ,all.

2008-01-08T18:23:00.000+08:00

when the thought of having to go through this drudgery for 7 more semesters,

when the thought of been able to accquire knowledge in such profusion that my brain bleeds at the notion of it,

when you forgot what it was like to have sound sleep in the nights,only fearing to oversleep to miss the bidding rounds,

when knowing it's high time that this mundane and unexciting life will need more than just adrenaline injections from playing mindless computer games,

when subway sandwiches and cookies beckons and welcomes me with such green splendour and transfat grandeur,

i am having a love-hate relationship with nus.

theboy and munkey is sound asleep after their monkeygaybusiness.

i am uninspired and all i can think of is photography.

2008-01-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

it's one week to the new semester.
The holidays have been nothing short of spending well deserved time with the woonsons and channikins.

thebf has been mighty generous this festive season .with this newfound generosity and my addiction to retail therapy spinning out of control, we have been busy with the damage control on my wardrobe and depleting bank account.

thebf's loot for me:
1. guess wedges.- $120
2. topshop metal cuffed link necklaces - $23
3. accessorize black and gold motif necklaces- $13
4. brand new spunky bag for school.
5. 2 dresses.
6. 4 leggings( electric blue,red,black,purple).
7. our monniversary watch.

and hah! my loot:
1.5 dresses.
2.4 sets of gold black bangles.
3.spunky black star belt.
4.2 bags.
4.3 belts.
5.multi colored motifs punk jacket.
6.red sweater.
7.checked shirt.

and most importantly, meet my 2 loves ,georgie the munkey and thebf.

note their uncanny resemblance. and georgie just decided on his sexuality and his inclinations towards 22 year old males.

2008-01-04T03:05:00.000+08:00

there and then, 2007 whizzed past so quickly, that it almost seemed non existent.

Looking back,like almost everyone else, i have but more than my fair doses of miscalculation of choices and opportunities,of which, has rendered me nothing but less than a regressive little bitch thriving in the recesses of her angsts, disappointment, and more disappointment.

But of course, despite the smeared blots of these erratum on my pages, i am blessed enough to have met people,commonfolks,who are but anything common,but to be everything that's inspiring.

some inspired the creativity streaks,the photography stints ,some
piqued my appreciation of films and arts ,and while others emboldened my being, to grow, to learn ,and to simply, find peace with who i was,who i may and will be.

so here's a thank you to you people.

1.hubs - for every moment spent, for every dream of mine that is built upon your time,relentless efforts,kindness and love.
2.yy - it has been a long time,but those nights of us being the cynics,the bitches next door,film and musik buffs shant be forgotten.
3.deedee - conversations and photographic inspirations that one can never get enough of.
4.john - the motivational fish hobbyist.
5.liyin and groupie- school could and would have been disgusting beyond belief, without you.
6.emmanuel - that friend,i found, whom , i have yet to meet.
7.lionel - for the photography expeditions,misadventures,films and stayovers.

of renewed friendships that are and will be forged beyond the decades, they know who they are.
of kinship and family ties, i thank the lord above for blessing me with such tireless,loving spirits in a father and a mother.

for one, i am one who doesnt believe in new year resolutions but,
of 2008, let it be but nothing but a good year of academics and travels.

1. bangkok trip with mum,hubs,and family.
2. europe escapade with hubs and his channikins.
3. up the cap. for thus varsity education of mine.

with travel plans and hopes as such, i heart 2008. whoo!

//the ataris.//

2007-12-27T08:21:00.001+08:00

2007-12-26T00:12:00.001+08:00

a waiting game.
nikon d50,vivitar 70-210mm,18-55mm,
eloera jesusa woon.

your words are with me still;
they whisper in the grass.

+++++++

2007-12-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

//reflections of her angel in the coffee cup.//

it's when he uses his utmost means to love,even her mum ,2200 miles away,
it's knowing how he is getting along, and how this short ,but nevertheless draining respite, is taking a toll on him,and his body;
it's listening to his impassioned whispers of reassurance dance to the parade of their heartbeats,
it's reading these words of beauty of dreams,of kindness, and of love that's beyond her comprehension;

it's having this overwhelming intangibility of his love, ache her heart, and leave her speechless and small on this day of christmas;

that she knows, he sits on the throne of her heart beyond the veils of time.

happy monniversary,love.

++++++++++++++++++++
all i want for christmas is you.